My Interview With Sexologist, Youtuber and Author Shan "Boody" Boodram

I had the amazing opportunity to interview Shan "Boody" Boodram. I got to ask her about new show Makeup or Breakup, the first live show on Facebook and got a couple tips as far as dating and relationship building.  On Make Up or Break Up, couples who are struggling to make a decision on whether or not they should stay together, ask the audience and viewers their opinion. For those of you who aren't familiar with Shan Boody, she's a sexologist, Youtuber and Author.  Shan Boody has been one of my favorite Youtubers for almost 2 years now. Her content focuses on sex-positive conversations, love and relationships. I can honestly say, I've learned so much from her videos and have grown as a person because of them. What she's doing with her platform is so important and so needed because a lot of people are uniformed about sex and don't know how to connect with their emotions. The way she breaks things down feels like you're talking to one of your friends.

If you know me, you know how awkward I am so this interview was nerve wrecking, like how does one conduct a interview for the first time with one of their biggest inspirations? But Shannon was really cool and down to earth and the whole time I was talking to her, I was in awe by the way she broke everything down. I know you'll be able to take something away from this interview because I definitely did. Watch her live show Make Up or Break Up on Facebook Thursdays at 8 pm EST/5pm PST. I also linked her Youtube channel below.  

You’ve created a successful career around sharing advice on sex and romance. With sex being a topic people usually choose to not talk about, did you ever think you would build such a large platform around the topic? On top of becoming a host for not 1 but 2 shows?

Yea, definitely. I grew up watching Sue Johanson, Dr. Ruth and knowing about Dan Savage. There were a lot of sex educators that had a really good career in the media and were successful. So I actually always envisioned what I'm doing right now. I do see a bigger brand for myself, but I'm thankful to have grown up in a time where I had examples of people I can look up to to know that it was possible. There's never been a woman of color that I've seen do it. In that regard, not seeing someone who looks like me was a barrier. But I'm really grateful to now be that person to many people younger than me who are also thinking about entering in this space and wondering if their voice will be valid.

What do you love most about hosting Makeup or Breakup & how does hosting a live show differ from your Youtube channel?

I love everything about it. What's great about Youtube it's 100% you it's literally just that. Like I put the camera up, I do the sound, I do everything which means a lot of the time, the videos come out blurry or the sound is bad, or the lighting changes. I'm completely doing everything which is good sometimes because you have nobody else to consult and nobody else's opinions to refute your own, so you can really put out a pure perspective. The Facebook show is the opposite. Everyone does everything. I don't do my nails, my hair, lights, graphics and I don't edit. I just go there and get to really focus on how do I bring my piece of my puzzle to the table to make the show better. So it's less about me and more about focusing on my job within the bigger project that many people work on. So it's different in every possible way but I enjoy doing both because there is something special about getting to come home and say whatever the f*ck I want to say, as oppose to saying what many people would prefer that I say. Mind you it's live, so no one can control what I do say but none the less, there are definitely a lot of opinions on how, when and what to say and knowing that it's bigger than you. It's about a team, where Youtube you are the team so it's just about you.

Has there ever been a time you didn’t agree with the audience’s end decision for any of the couples?

Yea, episode 2 we had a couple Riddhi and Rayjan, and instead of being 2 people who can stand firmly on their own, and come together to create a relationship, they were 2 people who were tilting and leaning over, resting on each other. Those kinds of relationships can appear sustainable because for the time, no one is crashing and falling over but if one thing shifts out of place, then everything comes tumbling down. I did feel their relationship instead of being 2 stable people, it was 2 people who needed to do some work individually. But that isn't to say they won't have a good relationship together and be able to fix those issues but I felt they would've been better working on them alone.

I know the whole idea behind Makeup or Breakup is to give couples unbiased advice, but how does one know whether or not they should take a stranger's advice or figure out their problems on their own?

To be honest, I think everyone should take the audiences advice, like I really do. And I think reading the comment section, I feel even more confident saying that because people are not just giving thoughtless responses. There are some responses that are like "if you're even on this show you should break up". But most of the time people are genuinely commenting on the storyline, on the couples body language on what's being said and what's not being said. So I know for myself there was definitely a relationship where I was having a really hard time in and I was struggling. I was in it for a very long time past what I thought I should've been and this kind of show would've been helpful for me. For an outside perspective who didn't know my previous partner and who didn't know me, look at things and say are there 2 people good for each other? And thats what the question really is. Yo like look at this relationship with these 2 human beings do you think they're good for each other? I think the objective opinion especially when they're dealing with problems that they've been struggling with for a long time, it's really valuable. So I would say I'm disappointed sometimes when I hear the couples are like we're going to try to work it out together. Don't get me wrong you can. Just because you're not naturally a great singer doesn't mean you can't put the work in and then become one. But it would be better if you just found what your natural talents are, where you weren't working against your incompatibilities plus trying to find your way. It's already hard enough trying to love and be loved and trying to be in a relationship that works against your natural instincts and that's something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

Have you learned anything new about relationships from the different couples you’ve spoken to?

We have a psychologist who is there with us. They're there to talk to the couples after the show to make sure nobody leaves with this decision to breakup and not know what that means. Before the show, we always have a meeting where the psychologist gives his input and really talks about what his take is. I learned a lot from that experience with his expertise with working with couples for over 25 years. From the couples themselves I think I definitely learned a lot from the comment sections. From the comments and watching how people observe a couple, its better to always preserve the unit then to preserve self. So if you're being attacked, which on the show sometimes people are being attacked, your instinct is to preserve your own ego and that doesn't really end well. The couples who are still working to protect the relationship and protect each other serve better. On the flip side, it's important to still do the little things. Like show eye contact, little light touches, smiling at people. Those impact what makes your partner feel safe. I think a lot of the times we don't think about in terms of "oh yea, that can affect how my partner feels about me", the comment section does a really good job picking up on things that make a couple look like they work or don't work.

Your quote “Single isn’t supposed to be stressful! Focus on the quality of the experience and avoid creating subsequent expectations” is one of my favorites. I notice a lot of girls and some guys my age stress out a lot about being single and sometimes give off the impression they’re miserable because they’re single. What’s some advice you would give to them so they don’t stress so much about their relationship status?

Whether you're in a relationship or you're single, I think it's really about protecting your joy and your potential. Whether it's your potential to love or be loved or to be happy. So I think during those times you have to look at it like whatever I'm doing right now is valuable towards my greater goal. So if I'm single my greater goal ultimately is to be in a good partnership. It's like great, now I have the space and opportunity to get to know myself and get to know as many new people as possible so that when I do make that decision, it's an informed decision. Or like I can go out to parties and have fun. There are certain elements of being single that are just fun. Like being out at a club or being out in public and trying to catch people's eyes. The game of desire or flirting, which I think everyone should do regardless. Nonetheless, look at what your greater goal is and where ever it is you're at right now, what activities can you do to service your goal. I'm a big person on preparation. Prepare yourself for the right job, prepare yourself for the right partner, prepare yourself for the life you want to have. The process of preparation is exciting because you're getting ready to do that thing you dreamed of doing and you know that the more that you prepare, you'll feel that feeling once you actually get there. So enjoy it, have fun, go on dates, get some free dinners. Whatever it is that makes it fun for you do it, of course while being healthy and good to others. 

Out of all the advice you give on relationships and sex, what would you say is the most important when it comes to trying to date?

I think it's important to know how to be seductive and I don't mean that in a way of like put on lace stockings. I mean seductive like how do I get the best out of people? Very rarely that doesn't have anything to do with your appearance. If I could give everyone just one piece of advice to save them from their bad dating life, is to focus less on yourself. Everyone's favorite topic is their self, that's one of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten before. What carries you through a lot of relationships, even at work. Ask people more questions about themselves instead of talking about yourself. This makes people feel more drawn to you. It's so rare in this society that you'll find people that want to be around you just simply because you're willing to ask them about them. A lot of times I meet people who are like they can't find anybody and they're struggling and I just notice that trend within them thats like me, me, me. And I'm like okay, if you just spent less time on dates talking about yourself because you want to give them you're best impression of you, spend more time trying to get to know somebody else. You always leave with more when you ask more. The more information you gather, the more insight and the more you actually get to leave with. Versus the person just talking about themselves and repeating things you already knew.  I would say read the Art of Seduction, it definitely changed a lot of my perspectives on how to interact with people successfully but if you don't want to read all that, just ask people more questions.